Thursday, October 30, 2008

Static Cling

I'm going to call this boy BOUNCE because that's what I did after our first date.

He was handsome, not my type, but sparked my curiousity nonetheless. I don't usually like the pretty boys but shit, why not, give it a try. And TRY I did. It started off slow and nice. Bounce was charming, witty, could this be? I asked myself as the days slowly dragged before our first date. He's good looking. He owned property, had a dog, was attentive, listened to and remembered everything I said. SCORE!!!

The date could be described as uh....hmmmmm...a downward spiral into a stack of hay, covering 4000 needles.

I met him at his place since it was near the restaurant he said he'd take me to. Now people, never go to a strangers place without giving the address, name and number to 4 of your best friends, like I did. So moving on. He wanted to show me his place that he just remodeled along with his dog.

DS#1 - That stands for downward spiral btw....So he gives me a warm bear hug, it was like we've known eachother for years! He shows me around his one bedroom condo and offers me a seat on his Pottery Barn sofa...We talk a bit, things are going well then he decides to put his arm around my shoulder...Peter Brady in the movie arm around shoulder style...I'm going with the flow, but suddenly the flow of his hand lands on my right boob and ends with a squeeze! :( I said it felt like we knew eachother for years, I didn't say we KNEW eachother for years.... WTF???

As you can imagine I'm pissing in my pants right now. But in order to preserve my life... I suggest we go to the restaurant. Bounce at this point thinks he's my boyfriend? So he doesn't feel my vibe has completely changed...He's probably thinking I was just on my period or something.

DS#2 - The restaurant. Saddle Ranch on Sunset. Need I say more?

DS#3 - We are sitting accross from eachother. He is looking at me as if I was Angelina Jolie or Rachel McAdams...I mean I'm super cute (so my mom says) but not f'in HOT. A cute waiter comes to our table and asks if it's our first time at this restaurant. It's not, unfortunately....but Bounce proceeds to tell the waiter, "no, but it's our first date." The waiter, who was my "type" by the way, saw my pain and it seemed as if he wanted to rescue me, which would have been HOT, like in those old western movies, then we could ride into the fake sunset on that big fat mechanical bull...Uh, errr, wait losing track...Sorry, where was I? Oh yea, he told the waiter it was our first date, and added "and hopefully not our last." Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwww! Now, there's a reason WHY men love bitches....And why us women, love assholes. Jus' sayin'! At least on the first date that is. Well, not complete assholes, but you get my drift tho', and if you don't kiss my butt.

DS#4 - In the middle of the dinner. He bought me a rose from one of those ladies who go around selling overpriced flowers they bought for a discounted price at the flowermart in downtown LA. Ok, first off, unless it's my birthday or valentines day, don't buy a rose. Please. In fact, unless you know I am in total LIKE or LOVE with you, don't but me a rose. After dinner, I suddenly felt sick, and said I had to wash my hair or wake up early. Something reeeeaally important. I forget.

DS#5 - The next day he text me hello. At this point I was so over it but was thinking...Let me take a couple of days to sit on it. I mean I've never dated someone soooooo in to it on the first date and really suuuuper mushy before, I might as well try it on to see if it fits right? (I just threw up in my mouth, ugh sorry) Anyways...I text him back thank you for dinner and said my parents were coming up in the morning, because we had a funeral to go to that day. This is true. I would NOT lie about that. So he text ok, have a good rest of the day and asked that I call him when I was free. That day after work, he text asking to see me. I said I was actually on my way to my to my tattoo artist and probably wouldn't be able to see him until my parents left town, the next day. He said ok. A couple of hours later, he text, how is the tattoo going? (ya'll feel #5 here in full effect right?) I said, um it is going as it should be, leave me the fuck alone...well I left that last part out. An hour later he asked if he could see me after I was finished...BUT HE DON'T HEAR ME THO'!!! And I didn't answer him.

DS#6 - The next day I received a good morning text. I responded accordingly. Lunch time comes around and he asks when will we see each other again. OK, at this point, I'm thinking... I'm at a funeral, well, no, I'm not thinking that, I actually AM AT A FUNERAL. Are you seriously asking me out right now? Really are you? For REAL??? I decided not to answer until my parents left town the next morning.

Well people. If any of you watched the movie "Swingers" take notes on the character Mike played by John Favreau you will know where #6 is heading.

He continues to text me throughout the day of the funeral. After 5 unanswered messages, he finally writes "Look if you aren't into this, just tell me now so we don't waste eachother's time." WTF????

I decided to call him at this point and say... "I've been with family all day at a FUNERAL! Please do not text or call me ever again. BTW have you watched the movie Swingers? Well you're acting like Mike, please watch and learn." Yes, I did go there.

The End.

Oh and he text the next day and asked if we could "still" be friends. Were we ever?? I then threw up in my mouth.

The moral of THIS story : Take things slow...NO boob grabbing on the first date!

That Girl

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

My First Date With an Actor

People always ask me about the dating scene in LA. Moving here from New York you do notice a difference. Men in LA are privileged to have at their disposal the most beautiful women in the world. I know this because a guy told me this on our first date:

His name was Bryan (real name withheld). Bryan was tall dark and handsome and had a smile that could melt your panties right off. Bryan was from Georgia. He moved here from his Hometown to pursue his music career, but ended up being more known for his budding acting career. We met at a restaurant opening: He pulled up and I immediately thought, I had to have him. I waited all night until he returned to pick up his car…. just so I could see him again. I saw his car pull around and then I hurried over and pushed the valet out of the way and opened his door. He said,“ I like that dress.” Bingo! The door was opened! After that, we exchanged friendly banter that ended up with me giving him my number. 1st date: We decided to meet at a restaurant in the Valley. I had NO idea this place was super casual. So I showed up wearing peep toe pumps, and a dress. He showed up wearing sweat pants and a tee shirt. I felt awkward… but yet sexy. As soon as we sat down he started grilling me like a George Forman Grill. Where are you from? How old are you? What was your last relationship like? I got soo tense. My last relationship sucked! Why was he asking me this sooo soon??? I decided to be honest and tell him the truth, the whole ugly truth. As I told him the story…. He played with his blackberry. I thought it was rather rude. He obviously thought it was okay. After he showed me his complete lack of interest, I started to feel foolish. I mean, he didn’t bother to dress up for the date. Then he asks me all these questions and just ignores me!

Maybe I needed to shift the attention. So, I asked him about his dating experience in LA. And that’s when he said “LA, has the most beautiful women here. But I am looking for someone with substance.”
He then went on to tell me a few of the movies he has been in, and ask if I had seen them. He grilled me some more and I answered all his questions with complete honesty. He yawned (yes, he yawned) and I quickly said, “Lets get you home.”

The night ended with him saying, “We should do this again.” And him giving me a quick kiss on the cheek. I got hopeful. Maybe he didn’t find me boring. Or could he be giving me the old Hollywood brush off. Well, it’s been a few months now. While I have not heard from him, I have seen him on TMZ…… coming from dinner…. with a scantily clad woman. Yea, she had substance. Two big ones sticking out of her dress!!

The Moral of THIS story: When you date an actor in LA, you need to have substance.


Monday, October 27, 2008

The first and last date kinda guy.

Ok, so let me tell you about this boy I met online. Myspace, or Friendster, I forget. It was a while back. It started out with cute, silly emails. Then not so witty chats but I had nothing going on at that point in my life, so wth. Then ultimately, he popped the big question. "Wanna grab dinner sometime?" Since he was a friend of a friend, 1) I didn't want to be a bitch, 2) A free meal, why not. This was my first online experience, might as well be with someone that knows someone, just in case I suddenly disappear and show up lifeless on Venice beach with seaweed, sand and seagull droppings all over me. So let's call him BoyWonder.

He was cute and nice as far as I could tell. Short, not a turn off by any means, just not a plus. Not particularly outgoing, but beggars can't be choosers! From the emails we had been exchanging, he seemed as if he had his shit together, and made me giggle, not laugh, here and there.

So the date... I decided to meet BoyWonder on his side of town, at a little restaurant he chose. It looked inexpensive, I mean reeeeally inexpensive. But you can't blame him right? Blind date. I could be crazy, fat, or ugly. Anyways it looked inexpensive. It was probably a B rating but I didn't notice. The food was delish AND inexpensive.

CUT TO: The end of the meal, where we ask guessed it! The check. THE CHECK!!! So the waitress hands BoyWonder the check. He examined it, pulled out a... wait, I can't quite see it... oh, yup, there it is....a TEN dollar bill ladies and gentlemen! Now I'm thinking in my head... wait my meal was $6.95 plus tax....and his order was a super-sized version of what I had. Hmmmm -- And no, we weren't at McDonald's.

BoyWonder, then hands the check to ME. I was like "OH Heeeeell no!" -- In my head. So I hesitantly, take THE CHECK, and stare at it in amazement. It's total is about 17 bucks. Yes seventeen. 17. One. Seven. Seven plus ten. 7+10... and some change. Ok, ok... more than $17....Sheeesh.

I slowly opened up my purse. Looked up at him, for a sign, any sign that would save this date, ANYTHING. Nothing. I then proceeded to pull out my wallet. Again, I shifted my eyes in his direction for maybe a "HALT! I got it!" Nothing. I opened my wallet. Glanced over at him in one last gleam of hope he'd pay for the $17 and some change bill. But, no effort was made on his part. Then in defeat, I pulled out a $10 and handed it to the waitress with the bill and his $10.

At that point, I had nothing to say, I was speechless. I think I was in shock more than annoyed. He wanted to get coffee or desert after that. I suddenly felt sick, and said I had to wash my hair or wake up early. Something reeeeaally important. I forget.

Now I hear you muh fuckers saying "maybe he didn't like you that's why he didn't pay, bitch..." Well suckas...he asked me out for another date, and 'til this day...4 years later... he still hits me up every 3 - 4 months, no fail...asking to go out... BOOM!

The moral of THIS story: If you ask for the date...YOU need to pay for the date.

That Girl