Thursday, October 30, 2008

Static Cling

I'm going to call this boy BOUNCE because that's what I did after our first date.

He was handsome, not my type, but sparked my curiousity nonetheless. I don't usually like the pretty boys but shit, why not, give it a try. And TRY I did. It started off slow and nice. Bounce was charming, witty, could this be? I asked myself as the days slowly dragged before our first date. He's good looking. He owned property, had a dog, was attentive, listened to and remembered everything I said. SCORE!!!

The date could be described as uh....hmmmmm...a downward spiral into a stack of hay, covering 4000 needles.

I met him at his place since it was near the restaurant he said he'd take me to. Now people, never go to a strangers place without giving the address, name and number to 4 of your best friends, like I did. So moving on. He wanted to show me his place that he just remodeled along with his dog.

DS#1 - That stands for downward spiral btw....So he gives me a warm bear hug, it was like we've known eachother for years! He shows me around his one bedroom condo and offers me a seat on his Pottery Barn sofa...We talk a bit, things are going well then he decides to put his arm around my shoulder...Peter Brady in the movie arm around shoulder style...I'm going with the flow, but suddenly the flow of his hand lands on my right boob and ends with a squeeze! :( I said it felt like we knew eachother for years, I didn't say we KNEW eachother for years.... WTF???

As you can imagine I'm pissing in my pants right now. But in order to preserve my life... I suggest we go to the restaurant. Bounce at this point thinks he's my boyfriend? So he doesn't feel my vibe has completely changed...He's probably thinking I was just on my period or something.

DS#2 - The restaurant. Saddle Ranch on Sunset. Need I say more?

DS#3 - We are sitting accross from eachother. He is looking at me as if I was Angelina Jolie or Rachel McAdams...I mean I'm super cute (so my mom says) but not f'in HOT. A cute waiter comes to our table and asks if it's our first time at this restaurant. It's not, unfortunately....but Bounce proceeds to tell the waiter, "no, but it's our first date." The waiter, who was my "type" by the way, saw my pain and it seemed as if he wanted to rescue me, which would have been HOT, like in those old western movies, then we could ride into the fake sunset on that big fat mechanical bull...Uh, errr, wait losing track...Sorry, where was I? Oh yea, he told the waiter it was our first date, and added "and hopefully not our last." Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwww! Now, there's a reason WHY men love bitches....And why us women, love assholes. Jus' sayin'! At least on the first date that is. Well, not complete assholes, but you get my drift tho', and if you don't kiss my butt.

DS#4 - In the middle of the dinner. He bought me a rose from one of those ladies who go around selling overpriced flowers they bought for a discounted price at the flowermart in downtown LA. Ok, first off, unless it's my birthday or valentines day, don't buy a rose. Please. In fact, unless you know I am in total LIKE or LOVE with you, don't but me a rose. After dinner, I suddenly felt sick, and said I had to wash my hair or wake up early. Something reeeeaally important. I forget.

DS#5 - The next day he text me hello. At this point I was so over it but was thinking...Let me take a couple of days to sit on it. I mean I've never dated someone soooooo in to it on the first date and really suuuuper mushy before, I might as well try it on to see if it fits right? (I just threw up in my mouth, ugh sorry) Anyways...I text him back thank you for dinner and said my parents were coming up in the morning, because we had a funeral to go to that day. This is true. I would NOT lie about that. So he text ok, have a good rest of the day and asked that I call him when I was free. That day after work, he text asking to see me. I said I was actually on my way to my to my tattoo artist and probably wouldn't be able to see him until my parents left town, the next day. He said ok. A couple of hours later, he text, how is the tattoo going? (ya'll feel #5 here in full effect right?) I said, um it is going as it should be, leave me the fuck alone...well I left that last part out. An hour later he asked if he could see me after I was finished...BUT HE DON'T HEAR ME THO'!!! And I didn't answer him.

DS#6 - The next day I received a good morning text. I responded accordingly. Lunch time comes around and he asks when will we see each other again. OK, at this point, I'm thinking... I'm at a funeral, well, no, I'm not thinking that, I actually AM AT A FUNERAL. Are you seriously asking me out right now? Really are you? For REAL??? I decided not to answer until my parents left town the next morning.

Well people. If any of you watched the movie "Swingers" take notes on the character Mike played by John Favreau you will know where #6 is heading.

He continues to text me throughout the day of the funeral. After 5 unanswered messages, he finally writes "Look if you aren't into this, just tell me now so we don't waste eachother's time." WTF????

I decided to call him at this point and say... "I've been with family all day at a FUNERAL! Please do not text or call me ever again. BTW have you watched the movie Swingers? Well you're acting like Mike, please watch and learn." Yes, I did go there.

The End.

Oh and he text the next day and asked if we could "still" be friends. Were we ever?? I then threw up in my mouth.

The moral of THIS story : Take things slow...NO boob grabbing on the first date!

That Girl


Cleophis said...

He's FUGGIN Wack yoooooooo!!!!

The Alleged Ringleader said...

Ewww I SO KNOW this type of guy! I love that you told him he was acting like Mike in Swingers LOL, nice job missy!